Dear Dennis:

I am a divorced mother who is having a very rough time with a 15-year-old rebellious son who has been caught drinking and smoking pot. He also has no respect for anyone and has verbally abused me and his little brother. I have tried numerous times to co-parent with his father and it never works. His father has come to pick him up when we have issues and is overly sympathetic to our child. He will state one thing and then do exactly the opposite. I do not know what to do, let our son live with his father? I feel like I am giving him to the one person who will not give my son any type of guidance.

My son states he wants to live with his Dad and recently went for a week. He then came back and after a therapy session, he was extremely disrespectful and used foul language. When he was punished, he was right back at his Dad's when I told him that his disrespect and foul language is not tolerated in our house. I do not want him to keep this back and forth thing up, and I am at a loss with what to do. How do I let him go live with someone who I feel has no respect for anyone else either -- his Dad has done horrible things to me, that is why I left. He says he loves his son, but he has not been what I would call an active father, only sweeping in when he can be the rescuer or the hero. Any advice on what to do would be helpful. Thank you for your time. — Rachel

Dear Rachel:

First question, is there a B.I.L.Y. group in your community? Your email does not state where you are. You can check on our website using the Find A Meeting link. If so, we can help you by having you attend our meetings for needed support.

If there is no B.I.L.Y. meeting near you, then I would strongly suggest that you contact Al-Anon for some support. The key word here is support. I have found, not only personally but in the thousands of cases that have come through our doors, that it works when you do not try to do it alone. You need to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. The changes must first start with you. Not that what you have been doing is wrong, just not working.

You have no control over your ex and his parenting or lack of it. You are responsible for what structure that you create in your home. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do in this situation and what I know other parents have done. Tighten your structure, present the rules to your son. Let your ex see a copy of the rules, and also let him know that you are not running a swinging door for your son to be able to run to him each time he is not happy with your rules or the consequences.

If your son prefers living with the Disneyland dad, give him the rope and see how that goes for a period of time until your ex says, 'I cannot handle this.' Then your son will lose the option of back and forth, and your ex will not be there to undermine you. If your son chooses to live with your ex, be sure he understands that returning to your home may not be an option unless he is willing to sign a contract and attend some meetings for help.

Perhaps at some time, you might even be able to get your ex on the same page as you in disciplining your son with proper structure. If your son continues to abuse illegal drugs while living under your roof, you will be responsible for his actions. He needs to be attending a 12 step program on a regular basis or he may end up in jail or even worse. He is 15 and the time to jump on this is now, before it becomes a permanent record.

Remember this: your son does what your son does because he can. Also, and I live by this: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. You must never give up, even though you have found yourself giving in many times. Also check our Reference Library on our website for some valuable information. Good luck, and I hope I have given you some help or direction. — Dennis