Dear Dennis:

My husband (Paul) and I have one son (Brian), he is 21. He started getting in trouble as early as 16. Drugs, graffiti, etc. and a bad temper when disciplined. Things are much worse now. He was arrested in 2009 for drug sales, and we left him in jail for 3 months hoping he would learn his lesson. In short, he hasn't. We need help, we have tried every thing. I'm an emotional wreck, and it's affecting our health. We are at a loss and have no one to talk to for help. We have tried everything. I found your name through Google. I can't explain all cause I'm on a cell and don't text very good. Could you call me tomorrow? I'm in Fort Worth, Texas. — Patti

Hi Patti:

I assume that your 21-year-old is not living in your home. If he is, that's not working and it's time for him to go. If he is not and this negative behavior is still continuing, it is in his court, not yours. It doesn't mean that you should stop caring. But it does mean that you cannot fix him. He is the only one that can do that. If he chooses that life style, I for one would let him know that I do not want to see or hear from him until he is ready to seek help and change his negative behavior.

You cannot care for him but will always care about him. Being a witness to the negative behavior will continue to break you down. This is not a healthy situation. You need to take care of number one so that if and when your son makes some positive changes, you can be there for him, not while he continues on the road to disaster.

I am sure that in your state, there are places like La Hacienda that would help him, but he needs to make those choices, not you. For your support, AlAnon would be a good start. Of course B.I.L.Y. is another great resource but we are in the Dallas area, not in the Fort Worth area. You might want to contact our coordinator in Dallas for some additional resources. He would be more familiar than I, since he is based in Texas and I am in California. Please give him a call. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family. Remember: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. Good luck. — Dennis