Dear Dennis:

I have been concerned about my 23-year-old son since he was 16 or so when he started smoking pot. I adopted him from Korea as a single parent. He was 4 months old. He graduated from UCSB two years ago. He has been working at a high end restaurant for the last two years. I have kicked him out of the house twice because of his rages and verbal abuse. Four months ago he had been living in his car (still working). I let him move back in, and he agreed to see a psychiatrist. The doctor put him on Prozac. This has helped, although he still loses it now and then. I allow him to smoke pot in the garage although I hate it. He smokes several times a day that I know of. On his days off he gets stoned. I told him that he has to move out by September unless he gives up the pot. In the last 4 months he has paid off a $2,000 dollar credit card, pays me $250 a month rent, and has saved several hundred dollars. My question is : Am I worrying too much about the pot smoking? Should I get off his case? Thanks for any words of advice you might have. — Janice

Dear Janice:

I cannot tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I would do. If my son was smoking pot and I did not want him to, he would either have to quit or move. The fact that he is working and paying his bills is all good, but he is 23 years old and should be living on his own now. It's time to cut the apron strings and let go. This doesn't mean that you don't love him, it just mean that you are finally allowing him to be an adult and to live by his choices. If he gets into any trouble smoking pot and living with you, guess who will be responsible for any of the trouble? It's time for him to move on and be responsible for his own choices. If you want to see changes in your son, they must first start with you. Good luck. — Dennis

Dear Dennis:

I am so surprised that I heard from you so quickly or at all. Thank you so much. I really do want him to be on his own. As much as I love him, I enjoy living by myself. I am a quite active 69-year-old retired teacher and to be perfectly honest, tired of worrying about him and dealing with his moods, etc. Your words "allowing him to be an adult, etc." really resonated with me. I was fixated on worrying about the pot smoking. So I told him today that by September (he will be turning 24) he will have to be living on his own. The last two times I kicked him out because of his rage and his verbal abuse. This time he will be leaving to become an adult. Apartments are expensive here in California, but this should give him enough time to save money for the deposits required. I don't know who you are, Dennis, but I thank you for giving me a different way of looking at this. It has been a very difficult seven years. Jeffrey was a very loving, generous, and intelligent child, very attached to me. It's time that he sees he can be the same again, only as an adult. I'm sticking to it this time. :) Thank you for taking the time to answer my email. — Janice