Dear Dennis:

I am the father of four sons ages 19, 18, 14 and 10. My 19-year-old was born with an emotional disability and we deal with it, but our other three sons are just getting to be too much for us. My 18-year-old doesn't want to do a thing for us, or expects to get paid for the slightest thing he does. My wife has a bad heart, and he will sit there and watch her struggle trying to do something. He refuses to get a job and teaches our younger children inappropriate things, such as making fun of people and picking on people to the extent that we don't want to take them anywhere anymore. My two youngest children had played sports for years, but now seem to want follow in my 18-year-old's footsteps and we just cant allow it. Any help is greatly appreciated! Thank you. — Nick

Hi Nick:

Your 18-year-old, as well as any of the boys, do what they do because they can. This means that some things that you and your wife are doing are not working. The changes must start with you. My suggestion is that you start by creating the general rules in the house with chores for each child. If you were to stay in a hotel or motel anywhere, there are always rules posted on the door of the room where you are staying. Your home needs to contain the same. It helps to keep you consistent and also to promote the structure of your home without constant nagging or engaging. You are the parents, take back the control. Allowing the negative behavior of your 18-year-old will only be passed on to your younger boys if they see that he is able to get away without suffering the consequences of his behavior. Remind them that if they break any of the rules, they will have consequences.

I also suggest that you go to our web site and read and print up some of the references that are there. These will help you and your wife in making the changes. If there is a B.I.L.Y. group in your community, that should be your next stop. You need that added support to make the changes that are necessary. Your focus and energies need to be on your wife and her health. You don't want to lose her. I lost my wife of seventeen years to complications from Diabetes. But I know that while she was alive, my children had to respect her and help in any ways that they could.

You need to have a family meeting after you and your wife establish what the rules and chores are. At that time, stress that there will be consequences for any breaking of any of the rules. Also remind your 18-year-old that legally, you do not have to provide him with anything including housing and food. You are providing all the comforts and perks because you want to not, because you have to. And if the negative behavior continues, then the perks and conveniences of living in your home will begin to disappear. Stay strong and remember: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. Good luck. — Dennis