Dear Dennis:

I am a single mother of four children ages 26, 24, 20, and 18. Currently my 18-year-old and 20-year-old still reside at home. My 18-year-old is my only son, and he has dropped out of school, has no job, and smokes pot constantly. He has severe anger issues and has trashed my house on numerous occasions. He moved out for several months and has just now moved back home. The cops have been to my home on numerous occasions because of his behaviors and removed him for evaluations a few times. I am at my wits end on what do! I know I need to do something, I just don't know where to start. He is still my child and I love him with all my heart, but I can't live in his craziness any longer. I am looking for someone who has been in my shoes, I guess, to let me know what they did, what worked, and what did not. Please help me help him!! Thank you! — Mary

Dear Mary:

Have you checked to see if there is a B.I.L.Y. group in your area? See our Find A Meeting page. You need support in learning how to let go. Also on our website is some valuable information under Reference Library for you to look at. You should also contact Al-Anon and attend their meetings. They are all over the country and their meeting hotline is 1-800-344-2666.

Remember, your son does what your son does because he can. Not until you change, can he. I don't doubt that you love him, but you certainly don't like him at this point. Remember: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. Until your son hits his bottom, he will continue to allow you to enable him. Most parents in your situation would not allow him to remain in their home unless he was getting some help either in therapy or attending some 12 step programs. If he was not willing to at least do that, then most families would toss him out and change the locks. If he tried to get back in, they would call the police and have him arrested. That is going to happen at some time if he is allowed to continue with this behavior.

Drug users or addicts either end up in jail, or the morgue. You need to start being part of the solution and not continue being part of the problem. Get some support right away from other parents dealing with the same or similar issues. Al-Anon is a great starting place. Good luck. — Dennis