Dear Dennis:

My son is 16.  His dad is a drug addict and stopped calling him 3 years ago.  I am an alcoholic with 10 years recovery and have overcome a lot myself.  My life is good and stable, however, my son has been smoking pot for 3 years, not every day, mostly on weekends.  His grades are challenging, F's and D's but have gotten a bit better.  He is very defiant,  disrespectful, and I have spoiled him with my success.  Perhaps due to guilt about his dad and our struggles.  He is a good kid, big heart, but I do not know him anymore.  Is he too an addict?  Please advise.  I am thinking of wilderness therapy, but he ran away to his unruly, manipulative dad's mom’s house (his dad is homeless).  I am a mess and cannot stop thinking “shoulda,” “coulda,” “woulda.”  I love my son more than anything. — Michelle

Hi Michelle:

I guess the first question to ask you is where you are located.  If you are writing from the San Fernando Valley in California, I can give you some immediate responses to your problems and certainly would advise you to get yourself and your son to our weekly meetings.  Our location in Granada Hills and the one in Canada are the only two of all our groups that offer a youth group along with our parenting group.

From what you have written, I would totally suspect that your son is an addict.  But at this time, you are a major part of the problem and you need to become part of the solution.  That can only be done through your changes.  Whatever you have been doing is not working.  If you are near a B.I.L.Y. group, then you need to start attending the weekly meetings.  If you are not near one, then check out Al-Anon in your community and get to their meetings.  You need the support of others who are having or have had the same or similar issues.  All is not lost.  In raising children, pain is inevitable , but it is the suffering that is strictly optional.  Good luck and if you are in the vicinity of where I meet every week, which is Granada Hills, then I will expect to see you at 7:00 p.m. this coming Tuesday evening at Granada Hills Charter High School.  All our current locations are listed on our website under Meeting Locations, as well as some valuable articles under our references.  Good luck. — Dennis